i don't really know

I really don't know who to talk to about this, or even if i'd be able to formulate what i'm thinking right now, but I need some sort of outlet. Ever since I was little I've been really close to my grandparents. They've always lived in New Jersey so it'd be a 2-3 hour drive either way to see them, but I grew up with them. Last year my grandfather took ill and was nearly on his deathbed. My brother and I, both at Pittsburgh for school at the time traveled about 5 hours to see my grandfather for what we thought would be the last time in our lives. Miraculously he pulled through and he's even able to walk by himself now. Unfortunately, tragedy struck our family again during this time. My grandmother also was diagnosed with cancer, except this kind was malignant and just a few minutes ago my brother called me and told me she might not make it past christmas. I don't even know what to think or do now. I feel like i'm rambling, but I just can't believe that in a matter of days she'll be gone. My brother and I are going to make the trip as soon as possible to see her, but I'd give anything just to see her okay... When I saw my grandfather on the verge of death, it was almost too much to handle. His body was frail and it looked like he was fighting just to breath... The worst part of it all was his cognition. My grandfather is the smartest man I know and the fact that he didn't seem all there scared me. I don't want to see my grandmother or my grandfather like that again... I remember everything they've done for me... Holidays, birthdays, any occasion worth mentioning in my life they were a part of it. From the second I was born, to my Bar Mitzvah, to my high school graduation, they were there. Every christmas, hannukkah, thanksgiving, passover, or anything memorable, they were there. To sleeping over their house and waking up to my grandma's "special" pancakes (they were really just the bisquick pre-made kind but they were still my favorite) to playing poker to eating my grandma's brisket (it was horribly dry but once again, i still loved it) to just everything about them... It's going to end. She was going to go to my graduation! She was going to go to my wedding! She should be there for my first child! She doesn't deserve this. My grandma always said that being a grandparent was the best thing in the world since she doesn't have to discipline her grandchildren or have them be mean to her. And that's how I'll always remember her, as THE best grandmother. I swear, everytime I would visit she would tell me how much taller and skinnier I got. That's the kind of person she is... I don't know why I'm typing all this out, I know only Emily actually reads this (sorry for the rambling). I just needed some way to keep my memories in order. Keep my mind from going chaotic... I just wish I didn't have to be here when my family needs me the most. I'm not a very religious person, and I know my grandma isn't either, but I really do hope that when she goes, she won't be afraid... and I hope someone or something out there will be there for her...